Just kidding! Where would the world be if a trip to whiskey Disneyland didn’t end in some crazy antics; especially when you add our more northerly colleagues, from the land of gold to the mix? We started off in this amazing bar, illuminated in green and whiskey bottles. We then went on a tour to learn how whiskey is made. Instead, we found the original cat that used to hunt for mice during the 1700s in the original distillery. Apparently, like the ancient Egyptians, the Irish have a thing for worshipping cats and decided to reward the little hunter by stuffing him for permenant display to honour his hard work (looked too skinny to have been a good hunter if you ask me, but hey, maybe the mice took some revenge on his carcass).
We then got shown some ancient torture device. Actually it was some machine that used to mix whiskey and those guys that were late for work were punished by having to clean this machine every so often. He got special tap shoes so the guys on the outside could hear him, and when they stopped hearing him, they knew he was probably dead. But not to worry, they had instructions on revival plastered all over the place.
Then we got to taste whiskey. I decided to have it the Irish way, with ginger ale and lime. If you’ve never tried it, DO IT! It’s the most yummy drink in the world. The doctor had one too, but also managed to
con threaten convince the innocent one travelling with us to grab a shot for her as well. But as usually happens with doctors, her diagnosis for innocence is more whiskey, and a bit of wine thrown in.
That’s when our northerly friends took over and somehow, the dancing was taken over by South Africans, forming conga lines, ululating and speculating widely about the use of sports bras and jock straps by Irish dancers. What? More wine? Yes, please!
Apparently a glass should never be empty in Ireland. I think it’s a wonderful life philosophy. More cultures should honour this age old tradition. I’m convinced it would bring world peace. Just look at our conference. One night and we united China, Ireland, South Africa, South Korea, Australia, Mexico, Austria, America, Canada, Spain, Italy, Greece, Yemen, Lebanon and probably a whole lot more I can’t remember. But that’s an impressive achievement.
No politics, just whiskey!*
*If any whiskey label wants to use this slogan, I’ll be happy to sell the copyright for a lifetime supply of your best brand 🙂
This trip is going badly. I got us lost… AGAIN! This time though we ended up at the bus depot near the airport, waiting for a new bus to take us back to town. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my camera, otherwise you’d be seeing photos of the super frollicking in the heather, picking wild flowers (which is illegal) and marvelling at the beautiful countryside. We eventually made it back to the conference venue and were greeted by the President of Ireland himself. Obviously, he heard we were coming, and we all know how important and influential I am in the world of supreme higher beings.
He spoke about why media is important and referred to that guy Habermas (if you’re in the field you would think this is hilarious, I promise). But what impressed me so much was his complete lack of politicking. The whole time he spoke, we were waiting for him to use the stage as an opportunity to push one issue or another. He didn’t. It was refreshing, soothing, and overall, I wish I could go back in time to when he did work in academia so that he could have been my lecturer.
My favourite part came afterwards, free wine and food (although I didn’t see any – convinced I’ve aligned myself with the wine connoisseurs of academia, so food is always avoided in case it mars the robust flavours). Unfortunately, the wine didn’t flow as freely as we required, so we decided to find a good old fashioned pub. Our less worldly counterparts from the coast are rather scared of the working class vicinity of their hotel, so we (now experts in public transport) ventured off to take them from the dodgy end of town to the Brazen Head pub (we wanted old fashioned and this was the first pub in Dublin. Founded in the 10th century).
We only realised once we arrived that it was closer to 10pm than dinner, but using the power of the super and her fair maiden sidekick from the coast, they somehow
flirted offered services convinced the very handsome barkeeper to serve us dinner. It was huge, it was amazing, it was starchy. Only in Ireland are you given two baked potatoes with mash and gravy on the side.
You know, this trip isn’t so bad. The diet when I get back will be though 😦
Yesterday, and last night in particular, was an educational experience and a half. We learnt all sorts of clever things, like the arts are critical to the success of society and that more and more people are watching movies on their mobiles; but we also heard some incredibly moronic things. At one stage the good doctor had to be restrained from beating up the music man who said speaking is a technology. And then again when the book man started punting Mills and Boon as the novel for poor Africans. In among this, I started to get bored and pointed out that some tech geeks need more friends to stop living such empty lives. Took the Professor ten minutes to realise that my sparkling wit was canvassed all over the big screen. Was forced to behave after that.
However, there’s only so much behaving I can do, especially when an open bar’s involved. It was obvious what would happen when three South Africans (one respectable and normal, the other two hooligans), two Poms (one hooligan and another beyond description) and a Canadian (very good) sat down by the side of a pool, wine in hands, in the heart of Africa. Someone called for a sign to get all sociologists to come which led to the ‘beyond description’ Pom stripping to his underwear and bellyflopping into the pool. The good doctor observed that his tattoo would end up all saggy and wrinkly if he kept behaving badly. I recommended colonic irrigation for his shitty personality. Somewhere there was a snappy fish that landed in the Professor’s lap and the Pom informing me that wanking is key to a good night’s sleep. Obviously I then tried to bribe the taxi driver to throw badly behaved delegates out onto the freeway. Apparently this is a more common request than you’d think. He just laughed at me and told me to drink more water. It’ll solve all my problems. Tomorrow I’m taking my own taxi… I’m too young to chaperone dodgy old people.
So I’m no longer dirty and worked out the shower. It took me a grand total of 2 minutes to figure out the buttons. Maybe I don’t need that PhD after all. But I reckon that the most memorable thing about this whole trip is going to be the curry… For breakfast, lunch and dinner… Lieterally. Apparently eggs don’t exist in East Africa and chillis are the staple dish. Luckily, I like hot food, but this is slightly insane, and even too hot at times. The poor chaperoning parental type people resigned themselves to baked beans and toast for breakfast. I had curry and chilli yoghurt. Thank goodness we are on the top floor and can keep our windows open while we sleep.
Anyway, supposed to be listening to a bit about mobile filmmaking in Africa, but got personally involved in the whole notion of telling the personal narrative. Better start behaving otherwise the doctor migt sell me.
So we’ve arrived in Kenya after a very uncomfortable 4 hour flight, complete with kicking and screaming toddlers in the row behind us, and a two hour taxi drive into Nairobi. To be fair, the taxi ride was eye-opening; businesses in tin cans with wi-fi, being stopped by the police because they suspected our taxi had a dodgy tyre, and a sign that proclaimed that urinating in public is unethical. But nothing could have prepared us for the hotel. The poor doctor is forced to climb four flights of stairs to get to our room (this is funny), there’s no wine (this is not funny), and our shower requires a PhD in space engineering to work.
Being someone of sound mind, I decided to wait until the morning, and a good night’s sleep, before attempting to tame the techno beast, but the good doctor was convinced that with a doctorate, she was all the more capable of dealing with our advanced plumbing. Not sure if the words ‘hawu’ or ‘ow’ were echoed out the bathroom, but it took her a good 10 minutes to get the water running right. I know this because she emerged to fetch her book to wait for the temperature to come right. She now claims she figured it out and not to worry, once I have a PhD I too will know how to shower. Perhaps. But for now I’m happy to be dirty. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Welcome to Africa!