Category Archives: americans

That’ll do SA… That’ll do…

Barack+Obama+_+Mandela+MemorialBlah, blah, blah, Mandela, blah, blah, blah, world mourning, blah blah blah. Yes, we’ve all heard about it by now so there’s no need to recap any of the finer details, but hell, what a show we gave the world to send off our ‘old man’. Bob Mugabe and Tony Blair in the same stadium, America and Cuba reconciling 50 years after the Bay of Pigs fiasco, some imaginative sign language from a dude in a snappy suit, and a self-confessed porn addict (or so the doctor says, and we always know to trust the doctor) to sing in Obama (there’s some lovely joke in there somewhere but I’ll have to mull it over). But I think my favourite part of the entire Mandela Memorial was Uncle Cyril stepping up to that mic, interrupting the Indian prime minister and telling the people of South Africa to behave. And as with any small child with a dodgy uncle, most of the crowd fled the scene. The more rebellious however, stayed.
We (yes, I’m laying claim to being the voice of all South Africans) wish they hadn’t. As if it wasn’t mortifying enough being told off in Zulu for being horrible little skebengas in front of the world, we were told off again by Pappy Tutu, who, by the end of it, was so outraged that he went off on a rant in Afrikaans. Oh what lovely irony. A boisterous crowd of mostly black South Africans told off in the language of their white oppressor at the memorial of Nelson Mandela. Seriously?! Really?! Verwoerd couldn’t have written a better script himself.
Well done South Africa, well done.

PS You think next time someone important in South Africa dies (no doctor, Rattray wasn’t important) could we please do without the stadium thing, and rather let the crowds be crowds on the street and the dignitaries be obnoxious in a private room with cameras judging them, rather than them judging us as a nation? Imagine how much more fun and self-righteous we could’ve been about Obama’s selfie if we hadn’t stuffed up so many other things? OMG! I just realised. We didn’t stuff up anything. It was all a cover-up to make the American president look less like an angry teenager who forgot to get out of bed on time… We really are a giving nation.


Weighing In

Sumo-wrestler-planeToday, while I was perusing my Facebook feed I saw that one of my friends had posted a link to an article that outlines how a Samoan airline has decided to charge their passengers by weight rather than by a pre-determined fee. Now I’m not sure if this is a late April Fool’s joke or if it’s legit, but either way I think it’s a marvellous idea, in part. I say in part because I don’t know how people will feel about being weighed at the airport along with their luggage for all the world to see; I know I wouldn’t. And, it’s not really fair to punish someone for being overweight and force them to pay a higher price.  But, I also don’t think it’s fair that when I fly anywhere, I’m restricted by the same luggage limitations as everyone else when the rotund hippo sitting next to me weighs more than me and my luggage combined.

Now, I assume that the luggage limitations were devised back in the day before MacDonald’s became a religion and the world wasn’t suffering from an obesity pandemic. So, I would deduce that the airlines worked out a formula that said well, the average weight of a person is such and such, our plane can only carry this much and stay in the air, so each person is only allowed to travel with this much clothing stuffed into their bags. Yay! Clever aeronautical engineers! Except for one thing. They didn’t forsee the fast food revolution and the world’s dependence on never getting off its butt to do anything. But never fear! I have a solution! And one that might not offend people quite as much as doing an airport weigh-in like a primed sumo wrestler.

Now, I don’t know how much weight a jumbo jet can manage, or how many people it carries, so I’m going to work with easy round numbers so my brain doesn’t get too confused with the math to make my point (actually, I assume most people are idiots and can’t do math so this makes this post easier for them to understand).  Anyway, let’s just say that a jumbo weighs 400 000 kilograms and carries another 20 000 kilograms of fuel and has room for 500 passengers.  Now, let’s pretend that to get off the ground and maintain altitude, the plane can only carry 480 000 kilograms in total. That means that the passengers are only allowed, in total, to bring 120kgs aboard with them. Now most of you are saying, but that’s a huge amount of luggage. Not really. It means that somebody who weighs 90kgs can only have 30kgs of luggage, which is the average for an international flight. And that’s assuming that nobody has paid for excess or is in first class (they get more, don’t you know?)

Now, going back to the hippo. Why should I, who weighs a lot less than 90kgs, still only be allowed to bring 30kgs of luggage while the beast next to me weighs more than 120kg in the first place? By that logic, I’m actually paying for his excess. Excuse me?! I’m all for doing charity work, but not when it deprives me of a proper wardrobe to travel with (shoes weigh a lot!).  This is my solution. Everybody is allowed to bring 100kg (that allows for unseen extras) on board with them, whether it’s luggage or their sweaty selves. Once you’re over, you have to start paying excess like you would if you over-stuffed your suitcase.  If you’re under, you get more space for shoes. The only problem is, how do you determine this. Ugh! We’re back to the wrestler’s weigh-in at customs.

Actually, never mind. Charity’s good for your karma.

*Disclaimer: All figures used are for illustration. They do not represent real statistics. 

The Movies Made Me Do It

I recently read this article which outlined how researchers in America (only in America!) have linked alcohol consumption in movies to teenage alcohol abuse. They argued that teenagers who watched movies in which the actors drank were more likely to drink themselves.  In fact, it is a more deciding factor than continuous exposure to people around them who drink, like parents, or if they have freely available booze whenever they want.  Apparently, the latter two had no impact on their decision to experiment with drinking, or with alcohol abuse. My answer, what an absolute load of baloney!

Apart from questioning the validity of the study, which consisted of a phone survey(!), two serious issues have to be considered. Firstly, where are their parents? And secondly, are teenagers really so dim-witted that they have to wait for a Hollywood celebrity to do it first? What ever happened to teenagers experimenting on their own? If you ask me, this is yet another excuse to shirk personal responsibility.

This study is aimed at 10-14 year olds, so enter my first issue. Mr Researcher, these are not teenagers, they are pre-pubescent trolls that should be under the supervision of their parents. You honestly expect me to believe that it’s all Hollywood’s fault, and not irresponsible parents that have given rise to slurring, wonky, drunken gremlins? Let me elaborate. When I was ten, I was not allowed to go to the movies without an adult, in fact, I wasn’t even allowed to watch TV (other than afternoon cartoons) without an adult. And no, I wasn’t locked in a basement, being deprived of the world. I was outside playing in the dirt, or trying to ramp over dirt with my bike, or, on rainy days, reading a book. So what has changed? It’s not Hollywood! It’s parents and their complete lack of personal responsibility. They would rather blame something out of their control, like a movie, than admit to the fact that they can’t be bothered to monitor what their ‘angel’ is watching. Added to this, it’s also amazing that no-one wants to comment on a society where alcohol is readily available to 10 year olds! How does America justify that one? That’s something you should try to fix, not ban the movies from displaying a normal ADULT activity. And again, parents should be around to contextualise drinking rather than allowing TV to teach their kids about the world.

Based on this, it negates my second point about teenage experimentation because these ARE NOT teenagers. They shouldn’t even be ready to experiment with anything other than fire crackers. So then why do we allow them to dress like mini skanks, and hand over all responsibility to them? They little. Let them have fun and be children. And then when they become real teenagers, all smelly and pimply, then we can have a real discussion on teenagers and drinking.

Academics Are Next!!

So I promised that after I went after the fat people I’d go after the academics around the world.. ok so I guess I don’t know that many.. and in fact I kinda like the ones I know so I really don’t have much room to complain. So then what to bitch and moan about? First years?? Been there!!! Uh.. Men.. Oh wait.. Done that too.. Um… Monkeys?? Wait.. Why would I do that? They so cute and cheeky.. Like me 🙂 Oh wait, I digress… Hmmm… Let’s think about this for a while……………

Well I can’t really think about who to bitch about in general.. And after listening to a third year lecture today, I guess I really shouldn’t stereotype so. Sorry obese American people.. You are special too.. Fat.. But special! AAAAGGGHHHHH!!! This is gonna take some time to think about… Let me get back to you in a few days!


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